January 1, 1998
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998) *
A run/slash/scream/slash/die flick about oversexed teens trying to escape from a hooked fisherman on a tropical island. There are moments of hilarity (as when the killer suppenly appears accompanied by a loud thump on the soundtrack). And there are instances of sheer terror (as when Hewitt tries to sing). The bodycount is nine, placing it in the "low blood level/poor slaughter quotient" category of horror pics.
The Impostors (1998) *
Pretty lame farce starring Stanley Tucci and Oliver Platt. A pointless rip-off of Marx Brothers' "Monkey Business" (1931).
I'll Be Home For Christmas (1998) *
A penniless college kid (Thomas) tries to hitch a ride across America wearing a Santa suit (don't ask). He wants to spend the holidays with his folks. Warning: a risk of overdose on saccharine sentimentality, family-values sirupiness and other cavity-causing substances. If you bite, your dentist will be drilling your rotten fangs till the next millenium.
Firestorm (1998) *
Superficial similarities to Howard Hawks' adventure flicks aside, this picture about firefighters and escaped convicts has absolutely no redeeming values. It's boring, predictable and uninvolving. But it has some typically Hawksian themes, characters and plot elements: heroic men of action working together for a common moral purpose, loyalty, courage, perseverance, professionalism, strong females, etc. But instead of watching this turkey, save your money and rent a genuine Hawks' classic like "Only Angels Have Wings" or "Hatari!".
Hush (1998) *
A pregnant woman (Gwyneth Paltrow) has to cope with her psychotic mother-in-law (Jessica Lange). Campy melodrama-slash-thriller in the tradition of "What Ever Happened To Baby Jane ?" and "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle". Some viewwes will let themselves be manipulated, others will find it hysterically funny, but most will just roll their eyes.
How Stella Got Her Groove Back (1998) *
While vacationing in Jamaica, a middle-aged stockbroker (Bassett) falls in love with a handsome local guy half her age. Complications ensue when she brings him back to the States. Undoubtedly, if genders were reversed, the age difference wouldn't even be noticed. Here, it's mentioned repeatedly, ad nauseum.
Homegrown (1998) *
After their boss is murdered, three happy-go-lucky pot growers from Northern California decide to take over the business themselves. The film fails both as a gangster comedy and as a serious "farmers-fighting-against-impossible-odds" social drama. Those two genres simply don't mix very well together.
Home Fries (1998) *
Jake Busey plays a psychotic military helicopter pilot, who uses his Cobra attack chopper to kill his stepfather. Seems the old goat's been fooling around with an innocent young girl and has made her pregnant. But then, influenced by his equally psychotic mom (O'Hara), Busey goes after the pregnant girl herself, and what used to be a rollicking black comedy, soon becomes a thoroughly tasteless and unpleasant mess. Call me old-fashioned, but a murder of a pregnant woman doesn't strike me as particularly funny, even when she's played by Drew Barrymore.
Hav'Plenty (1998) *
An unbearably tedious film about a homeless writer and his upper-class girlfriend. It's badly lit, poorly designed, woodenly acted, and unimaginatively written. Actors moan, groan and squeak for almost two hours, forcing unfortunate viewers to either flee the movie theatre or acknowledge their masochistic tendencies. The ending is pseudo-brechtian, but genuinely pretentious.
Halloween H20 (1998) *
This horror flick is so bad, a yet another sequel (whether called Halloween H30 or H202) is highly unlikely. Curtis is once again stalked by her psychotic brother, but he only manages to kill six people. What is this, a Disney cartoon? I like my slasher films soaked in blood - don't wake me up for anything with less than two dozen bodies.
Stuart Bliss (1998) *
Black comedy about a young executive who becomes increasingly paranoid about radiation and other dangers.
Sliding Doors (1998) *
A rip-off of not one, but two Krzysztof Kieslowski's movies: "Przypadek" ("Blind Chance") and "Podwojne zycie Weroniki" ("The Double Life Of Veronika").
US Marshals (1998) *
A disappointing sequel to "The Fugitive" with Tommy Lee Jones reprising his Oscar-winning role and Wesley Snipes taking over from Harrison Ford. Too many heroes and not enough villains in this by-the-numbers chase thriller that recycles every cliche of the genre. The "surprise" ending is anything but.
Don Juan (1998) *
Atrociously boring, unbearably slow-moving and incompetently directed swashbuckling/adventure/romance mess. The legendary seducer breaks a few female hearts, travels across desolate landscapes, and goes insane trying to communicate with a statue of a Roman emperor.
Doctor Dolittle (1998) *
Eddie Murphy is quite good as a nutty veterinarian who can converse with his patients. But the film is barely watchable, with gags ranging in quality from average to abysmally tasteless. There is only so many toilet gags one can tolerate in a single sitting.
Twilight (1998) *
This atmospheric film noir directed by Robert Benton bears some resemblance to one his earlier films, The Late Show (1977). It's a story of a retired private eye (Newman) befriending a dying movie star (Hackman) and his sultry actress wife (Sarandon). The acting is superb, but don't expect any ingenious plot twist.
Disturbing Behavior (1998) *
Some mysterious force takes over the minds of young high school students, turning them into homicidal snobs. A bizarre allegory about juvenile delinquency and teen caste system. The degree of incompetence involved in the making of this piece of junk is absolutely mind-boggling. It manages to be tedious, incoherent and stupid, all at once.
Jerry Springer: The Ringmaster (1998) *
A wholesome picture about a typical, dysfunctional, all-American, trailer-trash family invited to appear on the Jerry Springer Show. Their problems - a stepfather sleeping with a stepdaughter, and a mother's giving blowjobs to her daughter's fiance. Considering the subject matter, the film is amazingly conventional, lacking any shock value whatsoever.
Dirty Work (1998) *
Two loosers (i.e. middle-aged men without money, job or girlfriend) set up their own revenge-for-hire business. The concept is good, promising high-voltage hilarity, but the results are mostly disappointing. There is something wrong with Norm McDonald's comic delivery. He can ruin a perfectly good joke with an inappropriate tone of voice.
Jack Frost (1998) *
A warm and fuzzy daddy (Keaton), killed in a car accident, returns as a snowman to spend some quality time with his son. Snowballs and hockey pucks fly fast and furious, while sleds are skidding down the mountain slopes and bells are ringing "Ho Ho". A yet another dose of sugar-coated family-values sentimentality, nicely crafted, but dull.
Tarzan And The Lost City (1998) *
Unlike "George Of The Jungle", this jungle adventure pic takes itself much too seriously - and it's paying for it dearly at the box office. Modern audience prefers hip, self-mocking and irreverent treatement of such themes. Whatever sense of humor this film has, is unintentional.
Desperate Measures (1998) *
Very ridiculous thriller about a psychotic killer pursued by a cop whose son needs a bone-marrow transplant (the criminal being the only possible donor). Forget about suspense or good chase scenes - this film's sole pleasures are plot contrivances and protagonists' illogically dumb actions.
Suicide Kings (1998) *
A black comedy about a Mafia boss (Walken) kidnapped by a bunch of rich prep school kids. On the plus side is the script, full of very ingenious plot twists. On the negative side is the execution - the film is really badly directed and weirdly paced. The editing is plainly incompetent.
Deep Impact (1998) *
A huge comet is on a collision course with Earth, threatening the very survival of the human race. This seems hardly like a tragedy in this film, considering how sickeningly boring everyone is. Nevertheless, astronauts try to land on the astroid and knock it off its course. Viewers will pray for them to fail, because there wouldn't be any spectacular special effects without the comet actually hitting our planet.
Dead Man On Campus (1998) *
Two college buddies wouldn't mind if their roommate commited suicide. Apparently, that would improve their grade point average. A totally imbecilic comedy that tries to be cynical or ironic, but doesn't have the faintest idea how.
Dark City (1998) *
A pretentious sc-fi/noir suspense thriller about evil aliens conducting cruel experiments by stealing people's memories. The art direction and cinematography might impress someone who hasn't seen "Blade Runner" or "Batman", and the plot might appear original to those who never heard of Franz Kafka.
Blade (1998) *
Heroic vampires are being slaughtered by a psychotic avenger. Ooups, sorry. A heroic avenger is slaughtering psychotic vampires. Who cares anyway? After all, it's a bloody tale full of violence and fury, signifying nothing. Heads explode, viewers fall asleep, life goes on.
Africa's Elephant Kingdom (1998) *
An IMAX feature set in Eastern African game reserves. Length: 40 min.
Black Dog (1998) *
There are some impressively staged scenes of huge trucks ramming into each other on highways. There is a simple, straightforward, fast-paced narrative. And there is Swayze, acting all serious and sober, as if he were in a "deep" social drama, rather than a lightweight action pic. No witty one-liners for this intense fellow.
Black Angel 2 (1998) *
Directed by Takashi Ishii. A disappointing sequel. Many sleazy scenes, but little excitement.
Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss (1998) *
Nice little comedy about a gay photographer wooing an allegedly straight model. A couple of brechtian touches aside, this is basically a mainstream piece of fluff, clearly afraid to push the enveloppe.
Beneath The Surface (1998) *
Two sisters get involved with drugs. A melodramatic and very trashy movie.
George Lucas: Flying Solo (1998) *
This documentary occasionally manages to achieve the quality of an "Entertainment Tonight" cover story.
Woo (1998) *
A very loose, African-American remake of Bringing Up Baby, with Davidson as a straighlaced legal assistant beleaguered by a persistently kooky Mrs Will Smith, who make shambles of his life. Unfortunately, there are no pet leopards and no good jokes. Well below Booty Call's standards.
The Wedding Singer (1998) *
This must be the first film that tries to evoke nostalgia for the 1980's (hopefully the last one, too). Stay clear unless you like campy musicals with non sequitur dialogue, romantic cliches, bad acting and Drew Barrymore. There is only one good musical number.
The Waterboy (1998) *
If a mutt can play football (see Air Bud: Golden Receiver), why not a Cajun waterboy with a speech impediment (Sandler)? This watchable sports comedy offers a couple of big laughs alongside many yawners. Best of all is Bates, wonderfully overacting as a campy Bayou-Momma-From-Hell. Her culinary endeavours (from roasted gators to fried rattlesnakes) add a delicious touch of "Cajun Gothic" sensibility to the proceedings.
Star Trek Insurrection (1998) *
Picard leads the crew of the "Enterprise" in open rebellion against the Federation to defend the inhabitants of a peaceful planet. A predictable, unexciting sci-fi yarn. There is only one true "Star Trek" series. Those "New Generation" impostors will never replace Kirk, Spock and Bones as cultural icons.
Sphere (1998) *
A team of scientists is sent to the bottom of the ocean to explore a mysterious spacecraft. Terminally boring mixture of sci-fi and horror elements. It will disappoint the fans of both genres. Adapted from Michael Crichton's worst novel. Believe it or not, the most fearsome monster is a jellyfish.
Wrongfully Accused (1998) *
Leslie Nielson's schtick just isn't funny anymore, and this annoying parody of The Fugitive is the worst film he's ever made. It's been 10 years since the first Naked Gun movie, and by now the spoof comedy sub-genre has been driven to the ground. What has seemed fresh and clever back then, has become repetitive, uninspired, boring, pointless, moronic...
The X-Files (1998) *
Fans of the TV series should be satisfied, but others might be put off by lack of action, criptic dialogue, wooden acting and many dull spots. The series' trademark mix of stoicism, paranoia, horror and sci-fi doesn't translate well to the big screen.
The Replacement Killers (1998) *
Ponderous imitation of a Hong Kong crime flick. Director Antoine Fuqua ain't John Woo. Mira Sorvino is great, though.
Real Blonde (1998) *
An unemployed actor (Matthew Modine) accepts a degrading bit in a Madonna video. Meanwhile, his best friend becomes a big soap opera star. A very soft, almost toothless, satire about New York's entertainment industries.
Small Soldiers (1998) *
A toy company implants a high-tech military chip (used for smart bombs and self-guiding missiles) into their latest product. As result, there's an army of self-programming toy soldiers on the loose, mercilessly slaughtering their ennemies (human and plastic alike). A shameless, feature-length ad campaign with nifty special effects. The first hour and a half is really boring, but things improve somewhat in the last 15 minutes.
Regeneration (1998) *
While the blitzkriegs of WWII make for dynamic war movies, the static trench warfare of WWI seems better suited for anti-war allegories. This heavy and depressing drama, set in a Scottish sanatorium for shell-shocked soldiers in 1917, makes its pacifistic point with all the ponderousness required. With pro-war movies so exciting, and anti-war movies so dreary, no wonder armies never lack eager volunteers.
Quest For Camelot (1998) *
Warner Bros. invades Disney's private domain of feature-length animation, but fails miserably. Shamelessly stealing the general concept (a spunky heroine, assisted by comic relief characters, fighting against a hyperactive villain) isn't enough to make a decent film. The Mouse House should sue Time-Warner for plagiarism and copyright infringements.
Progeny (1998) *
"The X-Files" meet "Rosemary's Baby" in this story of alien abduction and impregnation.
A Price Above Rubies (1998) *
According to the Bible, "a woman of fortitude... her price is far above rubies". Sonia (Zellwegger), a wife of a Hassidic scholar, knows a lot about the price of rubies and other gems, but her fortitude is severely tested when she's cast out of her community for adultery. Not surprisingly, this rather boring film was condemned by Hassidic Jews for presenting them in a harshly negative light. Call it a Passover present from Miramax's Weinstein brothers, who three years ago gave "Priest" to Catholics for Eastern.
Popol Vuh (1998) *
Patricia Amlin's animated feature based on a sacred book of the Kiche-Mayas. If you thought the Bible was wild, wait for those mythological tales featuring pregnant virgins and severed heads.
Phantoms (1998) *
An evil creature living deep underground slaughters all the inhabitants of a small Colorado town. Not scary enough for a horror film, too boring to qualify as camp and too cheaply made to have any interesting visuals, this is a textbook example of a failure. Actors just wander aimlessly, reciting their lines without any conviction and pretending to be scared of the creature.
A Perfect Murder (1998) *
A husband hires another man to murder his wife. A boring and predictable remake of a minor Hitchcock classic, "Dial M For Murder" (1953). Paltrow tries, but fails, to imitate Grace Kelly's icy elegance and aristocratic demeanour.
Palmetto (1998) *
The first half of this noir thriller is laughably predictable, featuring every single cliche of the genre. The second half offers some genuine surprises - but it's too little too late. The plot only makes sense if we assume that the main protagonist is the greatest idiot that ever lived - one who believes everything he's told, doesn't bother to check anything and couldn't smell a rotten fish if it were jammed into his nostrils. His childish naivety isn't funny, it's embarrassing.
The Odd Couple II (1998) *
Two old geezers have many adventures on the way to their children's wedding. This sequel to the 1968 hit comedy is a pale shadow of the original. Don't expect any sharp one-liners. There still is some chemistry left between Matthaw and Lemmon, but both actors disastrously underplay their roles. Are they simply too old and tired?
No Looking Back (1998) *
Ed Burns' third film is an embarassingly boring drama partly inspired by "Beautiful Girl" (again starring Lauren Holly in a similar role).
Nightwatch (1998) *
A law student (McGregor) takes a night-time job as a security guard in a morgue. Meanwhile, a serial killer is stalking sexy young women. If you love necrophilia, gory imagery and sleaze, you might be willing to overlook the film's predictable plot twists, uneven pacing and lack of suspense.
Night Train (1998) *
Directed by Les Bernstien. A pastiche of the film noir genre. Stylistically, it borrows heavily from Orson Welles' "Touch Of Evil", but the content is very contemporary.
My Giant (1998) *
A Hollywood agent (Crystal) finds a 7.5-foot giant in a Romanian monastery and wants to turn him into a movie star. At first, the film promises to be a comedy, but it quickly becomes a schmaltzy, sentimental weepie. The giant is turned into a pathetic object of pity. Shamelessly manipulative and tedious - a double treat.
Deceiver (1998) *
While it resembles "The Usual Suspects" in some respects, it's a far, far weaker film.
Les Miserables (1998) *
A solid, but unremarkable adaptation of one of the greatest treasures of French literature. Complex moral issues, shades-of-grey characters and other nuances of Victor Hugo's novel are simplified to fit into a standard Hollywood vision of history, where good is good, bad is bad and there is nothing in between.
Krippendorfs' Tribe (1998) *
An anthropologist (Dreyfuss) dresses up his family as the New Guinea tribe he's supposed to be studying; otherwise, he might go to jail for squandering his grant money. While not particularly amusing, the film isn't a total embarassement.
Mercury Rising (1998) *
An undercover FBI agent (Willis) saves an autistic child from the clutches of an evil NSA spook (Baldwin). A mediocre thriller, weak on suspense and devoid of any spectacular set pieces. It glorifies one agency of the US government and demonizes another - placating patriots and subversives alike.
Kissing A Fool (1998) *
A TV sportscaster (Schwimmer) wants to find out if his fiancee (Avital) will remain faitful to him, and so asks his best friend (Lee) to try to seduce her. This feature-length sit-com about stupid Chicago yuppies makes Friends look like quality television. It starts well, but quickly goes down the drain. There is something deeply unpleasant about the whole plot premise.
Meet The Deedles (1998) *
This is Hollywood cinema at its absolute worst - excruciatingly boring, numbingly dumb and blissfully unaware of its own worthlessness. It's about two Hawaii surfers pretending to be Yellowstone park rangers and chasing after little prairie dogs.
Major League 3 (1998) *
A minor league team from South Carolina challenges a major league team from Minnesota. Guess who wins. If you hate baseball, you'll hate this movie. And if you love baseball, you'll still hate it. It doesn't take a quantum leap to deduce that Scott Bakula's once-promising career is probably beyond recovery at this point.
Mafia! (1998) *
A lame parody of The Godfather, with a few bits from Casino added in for good measure. The film desperately tries to be funny, throwing as many gags at the audience as possible, and hoping for at least a couple of fireworks among its many duds. No such luck, however, as everything falls flat on its face, failing to ignite a single belly laugh.
Love From Ground Zero (1998) *
A guy dies and his three best friends travel across America to spread his ashes on a mountain in Montana.
Lost In Space (1998) *
The galactic adventures of the Robinson family, sent to colonize planet Alpha Prime. One of those films where you spend the first hour scratching your head at the bewildering incompetence of the whole enterprise, and the second hour laughing uproariously at its sheer awfulness. For consistently delivering the absolute worst in screen entertainment, it deserves a honoured place in the annals of camp.
Corps plonges (1998) *
A Haitian diplomat has an affair with a young patologist, whose other lover is a gubernatorial candidate. Set in New York City, it's a very unsubtle film about racism.
Lethal Weapon 4 (1998) *
There is only one reason to see this lousy and boring piece of crap: Hong Kong superstar Jet Li, making a truly impressive Hollywood debut. He plays a heroic gangster persecuted by evil American cops, led by Mel Gibson. Unfortunately, the whole film is told from the bad guys' point-of-view, leaving preciously little screen time for our hero. Therefore, scenes where he beats the crapola out of Gibson, Glover and Company are few and far between. And in a rare twist for a US film, there is an unhappy ending, with the baddies defeating the good guy.
City Of Angels (1998) *
An angel (Cage) falls in love with a flesh-and-blood woman (Ryan). This abysmal remake of Wings Of Desire takes a sadistic pleasure in torturing its viewers, first by boring them to death, and then by coming up with the most abominable conclusion imaginable. By turning Wim Wenders' magnificent masterpiece into a saccharine weepie, Hollywood commited a cinematic equivalent of blasphemy. Its makers deserve to rot in Hell for eternity.
Psycho (1998) *
Gus Van Sant fails miserably in this pointless attempt to create a carbon-copy of the immortal horror classic. He only manages to prove that Alfred Hitchcock's genius wasn't just in shot compositions and editing (reproduced here in minute detail), but also in directing actors (or cattle, as he affectionately called them). And the attempts to "improve" on the original (with inserts during Arbogast's murder, and a shot of Norman Bates masturbating) might not be sacrilegious, but they're certainly misguided.
Baseketball (1998) *
To be perfectly honest, I usually hate sports movies. But this one is actually watchable; with plenty of dumb, weird, but amusing gags. It's all about a new sport that combines basketball and baseball. Teams include Milwaukee Beers, L.A. Riots and Dallas Felons. And check out those sexy cheerleaders.
Barney's Great Adventure (1998) *
That annoying purple dinosaur is back (where are thugs with baseball bats when you need them?). If pre-school kids love him, it only proves how dumb they are. Apparently, they will swallow anything, even crayons. It's a real shame that such utterly mediocre film is being shoved down their throats, while superior kidpics like "Pippi Longstocking" and "The Borrowers" are ignored.
The Avengers (1998) *
Tired of always talking about the weather, a British aristocrat (Connery) decides to do something about it. That puts two secret agents (Thurman and Fiennes) on his tail. A silly, stinking mess of a movie, horrible in every respect. It might not be the worst disaster of the year, but it comes fairly close.
Armageddon (1998) *
Bruce Willis leads a crack team of heroic drillers sent to the outer space to crack a giant asteroid hurling towards the Earth. Loud and boring.
American Perfekt (1998) *
An utterly baffling and seriously misguided noir thriller set in the Nevada desert. It promises mystery and suspense, but only delivers boredom and disgust. The only upside: after watching this turkey, a viewer will be able to fully appreciate the mind-boggling plot twists of a superior thriller like Wild Things.
Almost Heroes (1998) *
In 1804, two explorers, a foppish dandy (Perry) and a fat slob (Farley), try to beat Lewis and Clark to the American West. Sadly, Farley's last picture is as bad and boring as his previous stinkers. Airheads (1993) remains the only decent film he ever made.
Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998) *
Bored with basketball, the canine prodigy takes on the game of football. Way better than the first film, but that's hardly a recomendation. Further sequels will feature doggy golf, mongrel skiing, mutt wrestling, K-9 marathon and poodle boating.
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